No.

A few years back, Kevin gave me a major reality check. He said, “I feel like people get the best of you all day, and I get whatever’s left over.” After picking my heart up off the floor, I knew I had to make some changes.

Saying "no" can be tricky, especially for high-achieving Black women who often feel pressure (and have been rewarded) to say "yes" to everything. So many of us have been socialized to keep everyone happy, and it’s led to exhaustion, overcommitment, and burnout. 

But here’s the thing: saying "no" is actually a way of saying "yes." In the last three years, I’ve been exercising my “No” muscles. In fact, I generally lead with no. It’s all about protecting my time and energy. I noticed that there were things I said yes to - family gatherings, celebrations, events - that were not actually healthy for me. After spending time with people I’d find myself trying to heal and detox external energy for days and sometimes weeks. I learned that I go into things excited about the fantasy of a gathering, but the actual situation is anxiety-provoking and overstimulating. 

So, I made a commitment to ease, and that’s something to celebrate. Easy friendships, easy love, easy trips and easy people. 

So, how do you actually set these boundaries? First I had to be honest about what I can handle - physically and psychologically. I realized that 90% of deadlines I had were self-imposed and the exhausting situations I’ve been in were because of my inability to just say, “No.”

I’ve learned that it’s okay to disappoint people - especially if it means protecting myself. Simple things like scheduling "me-time" or taking regular breaks has helped me think about how I like to use my time. Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away but about taking care of myself so you can best for those who need me the most. 

Saying “no” takes some practice. I’ve had to build muscle. And I have had to be ok with upsetting people at a rate they can stand. 

Every time I think that I’m overwhelmed, it’s almost always my fault. 

Kevin’s words showed me that “no” is a form of self-respect and healthy limits are something that I can—and should— continue to embrace.

Dr. Dia Bryant at the Brooklyn Bank speaking at the Women of Power event.